Aug 22, 2008

Somewhere Deep In The Notre Dame Special Police Bunker...

I found this at It was written by a poster named mkovac. Please enjoy.

Somewhere deep in the NDSP bunker in Hammes Mowbray Hall the uniforms hang, freshly creased, the shoes are shined, the walkie-talkies rest, freshly covered with Armor-All and cleaned with Q-tips, filled with fresh batteries.

The Chief of Notre Dame Security Police gathers his team together.

"Ladies, gentlemen, the season is about to begin. We have a big task ahead of us, and it's time to give you your annual pep talk.

"Now, I've been watching a lot of 'Reno 911' and have a lot of great ideas that I'd like to implement if we have a chance.

"Well, we don't want any vehicles damaged like that bunch of misfits, so be careful out there or you'll be walking foot patrol and won't be able to hide in your car off campus in bad weather.

"OK. Let's take a look at your average home game perp (unrolls a picture of a young male). This is a Notre Dame student, most likely a sophomore. The freshmen are still too scared to openly drink in public or too dumb to figure out where the best parties are. The juniors and seniors - damn them! - are onto most of our tricks and continue to slip through the Net. More about "the Net' later.

"There are ways to tell if this punk is carrying. 'Carrying' doesn't mean that he's packing a weapon. 'Carrying' means that he's packing alcohol. That's right, Demon Rum. As the day gets longer, he will get sloppier and he will make our job of detection a lot easier.

"Here are a few tips for you rookies: First, the young pups tend to hang out in small groups. They think they have safety in numbers, so look for the small groups. If you see a lone drinker, watch out. They are very dangerous and could do anything. Got that? Rogue drinkers will need backup.

"Second, don't be afraid of these spoiled rich kids. They most likely have no street sense and can be cowed very quickly. The best approach is the direct approach. Each one of you has to move fast and pick them off and isolate. Move fast and isolate. Move fast and isolate. You ask them for their ID and then begin the interrogation. More on that later.

"Third, get right up in their face. This is class warfare. You are here to intimidate these little bastards and I don't want you to be afraid of Mommy and Daddy who might be a few feet away calling you "badge heavy." We have the full force of the Notre Dame legal department and Indiana law behind us, so kick ass and take names.

"Fourth, if things get fugly, use your primary weapon, the walkie-talkie. Always have a few fresh batteries in your pocket and practice looking official in the mirror between now and the first home game - that's Saturday September 6th for you rookies. "Go Day" we're calling it. And when it's time to get out there and bust chops, it'll be "Go Time". I'm not sure who we play. It doesn't matter. We're not going after the visitors. We're pretty much here to intimidate the Notre Dame kids and make their lives miserable.

"Fifth: Get your 10 Code calls down. I've got a recording of C.W. McCall's "Convoy" in my cubicle that you can listen to, so when you have time, come on over. You can page through my old copies of "Guns & Ammo" while you listen to it. It's a classic and we play it at all our law enforcement parties.

"Here's a short list of essential codes: 10-4 means "ok". 10-20, means location. We use that a lot. If you want to know where someone is, use your call sign to identify yourself, then use the call sign of the officer you are calling and then give the ten code. Mackewicz, your call sign is "Adam 12". I don't want you rookies out there giving each other Top Gun names like "Maverick" or "Iceman". You get to do that only after working 30 home games. Veterans only. Or, if you have 15 handcuff decals on your locker. That's proof of takedowns (arrests) for the uninitiated. Wojo, your call sign is "Adam 20". So, Mack will say, "Adam 12 to Adam 20. What's your 20?" Technically, it would be 10-20? with a question in your voice, but we'll go with the colloquial- that's college talk for what people normally do.

"If someone calls you and you are on a bust, you will respond with 'Adam 12. I'm 10-6'. This means you are busy. Then when you have finished writing the ticket and are back in service, you say, "Adam 12. I'm 10-8 near Gate 14."

"If you need Wojo to repeat his last message, say "Adam 20? 10-9 your last.” If there's a dead possum or a flat cat on Angela, call in a 10-11. If you have to take a crap back at the station, call in "Adam 12. I'm 10-19 back to the station for an equipment check." We all know what you're talking about.

"If you get a drunk punk, he's a "10-56" - an intoxicated pedestrian, so that's when it gets fun. Officers who like what you say on the radio will give you a double click on their mike. We aren't supposed to do that, but that's just some cop humor, advised.

"One more. If a punk runs on you, then you are in pursuit and you need to call in a "10-80". You will have to run with one hand on your radio and one hand on your Sam Browne belt. You don't want to lose your equipment and if you haven't buckled your keepers on properly or snapped your lids on your mace and handcuffs, you will be losing stuff like feathers on a livestock trailer. Oh, and if you get the punk, and Mommy and Daddy start crying and you don't know what to say, just key the mike and say, "Adam 12. 10-92". That means "subject in custody". Everybody will double click you on that call. Righteous? Righteous. Yeah!

Ok, the Net. We are trying to close the net on the punks. This means we are shrinking their opportunities to be violators without consequence. They have to know that if they play with the bull – that’s us – they’re gonna get the damn horns – that’s us loaded for bear, and I’ll tell ya, after a few busts, you’re gonna turn into adrenaline junkies and love this damn job. They think that by drinking out of the red plastic cups, they can outsmart us. They think that if they put their booze in 7-Up cans, we won't catch them. We will. It's all "scienter" ladies and gentlemen. "Guilty knowledge". These rich punks don't know how to break the law with a straight face. They look guilty, they act guilty and they fear us. We own this place and we will not be f’ed with!

I said I'd tell you more about interrogation. Now there's something called the Fifth Amendment. The punks have a right to a Miranda warning if you arrest them. Did you get the catch? "if you A-RREST them." If you don't hook 'em up, you can detain them for a reasonable amount of time to question them before you subject yourself to the tort of false imprisonment and maybe "IIED" which is intentional infliction of emotional distress. Guys won't sue us for that, but some scared little freshman from Kansas might, advised. No arrest, no Miranda. You can winkle out all sorts of information from these scared little bastards by skilled interrogation. You rookies will be partnered with veterans who know how to get the punks to pop their cherry and tell us everything. It's a blast and will get you lots of double clicks if you "accidentally" go open mike during questioning.

We are thinking of buying a Predator airplane with an alcohol sniffer capacity and I've contacted General Atomics out in California, but those babies run well over 7 million, so right now that's not in our budget, but I'm lobbying Fr. Poorman and we'll see. I'd just love to see these punks crap their pants with a Predator drone overhead.

Ok. Everyone, that's it for today. We'll talk the day before the game and we'll discuss encirclement tactics