Sep 10, 2008

Death To Communism. An Interview With A Lunatic

I was contacted by the Michigan Department of Community Mental Health last week. They stated that they had several people in their care that claimed to be part of the Wolverine Liberation Army and those patients were demanding an audience with the great Subway Domer, Emperor of the Subway Alumni. Amused and intrigued, I trekked up to Ann Arbor (whore) to grant them an interview as I had a few questions of my own.
Here is my account with them...
1. Define Michigan Man. What purpose does he serve?
-Petit-Bourgeoisie scum who gain a real, but small accomplishment (graduating from Michigan) and act as if it gives them superiority against the rest of the proletariat by assigning magical, mystical qualities to themselves and other grads by acting as if they are members of an insular, exclusive country club. Often, is adopted to mask the lack of any real accomplishment. As a Notre Dame fan, I'm sure you know the type. When the Revolution succeeds, the Michigan Men will be the first against the wall to face the firing line.
-And I will be pulling the trigger.
-2. After living in Ypsilanti for a few years, I am curious, describe your feelings towards Michigan's "Twin Cities" How much crack does the team buy on the corner of Washtenaw and Normal? -
You lived in Ypsilanti? Are you from Kentucky? Or Missouri? Or the son of a stripper? As for crack - any Michigan graduate or student can tell you that the only thing to do in Ypsilanti is go to the Vu (NOT SAFE FOR WORK). That's a different sort of crack, though many pleasant "conversations" were had with women that seemed to really like me! What? No really, I think she liked me!-
Ahh. I remember amateur nights fondly. That must have been you in the corner with the trench coat.-
3. What is the purpose of seating 110,000 people if it is as quiet as a funeral? Crying included.-
Unlike the drunken irish throngs that flock to Notre Dame's stadium, Michigan crowds are comprised of the working proletariat, and are employed. We are too tired to engage in such frivolity as cheering. We do aspire to be as loud as the boos after Notre Dame lost to Navy.
Yet somehow the Michigan faithful have the energy to throw bottles onto the field after yet another Henne turnover. (See ND-UM 2005).-
4. How much do you miss Thor? I mean Ryan Mallet.-
Ryan Mallett betrayed the revolution, and will meet the same fate as another famous traitor of the people's cause who fled to southern environs - an icepick to the back of the head. The vile traitor Mallett was scatter-armed, ill-prepared, and a poor fit for Comrade Rodriguez's offense. Had he stayed loyal, his struggles would match those of our current options.-\
So what you are saying is that DickRod is all wrong. Bad system, bad QB's.-
5. What is your timeline for finally beating OSU? Are assassinations necessary for victory for your cause?-
Comrade Stalin was known for feeding the Nazi hordes just enough soldiers to slow their advances as he built a larger, formidable force behind them. For the next two to three years this is the strategy. Once Comrade Rodriguez can attain the players for his system and can let them mature, we'll go all Battle of Stalingrad on their ass.-
Sadly, I realize your optimism and faith in your coach is real. I only suggest that you watch the ND-USC games with Ty and Charlie at the helm. It make take a while before DickRod finally takes down the Sweatervest.-
6. Do you think the UM-ND Rivalry needs a trophy? If so, what are your suggestions?-
Boots Randolph's Gold Record for Yakety Sax.-
Hmm. I think I'd go with The Gold Plated Shoe of Reggie Ho.-
7. What, if any, hopes do you have for 2008 after a brutal loss to a bunch of excommunicated Mormons?-
Thankfully, the Utes possess the best Quarterback and offense that Michigan will face this year - and after a tough first half, our defense pretty much nailed them down. Michigan's offense is currently a train-wreck, but the the defense ought to be strong enough to carry them to at least six wins. Think 2007 Notre Dame with a top-ten defense. Also, Comrade Rodriguez will likely not fritter away a game by going for 4th and 8 with a tie game while staring at a makeable field goal.-
No. DickRod is too used to losing to the handicapped. (WV-PITT 2007)-
8. Will Carlos Brown start at QB for UM aginst The Fighting Irish, or will DickRod hold open tryouts to the general student body in hopes for an elite walk-on?-
You mean to imply that Nick Sheridan is not an elite walk-on? In reality, the Brown-as-QB experiment seems to be aborted, as Brown is either hurt or in the doghouse, depending on which scuttle-butt you believe. I think that once he's healthy (if that's the problem, which I tend to believe), there is the distinct possibility that we run a true option with him at QB for at least 10 or 15 snaps a game. This, however, is not something that will happen this Saturday. You will see both of the slow, white, poor-throwing QB's in all their glory.-
I love the indecision. Worked out for ND in 2007.-
9. Did you cry while watching Rudy, and how has he inspired you?-
I don't recall crying, but I recall laughing when I found out that all his hard work paid off for him to become a practitioner of the Janitorial Arts.-
And you are stuck in a mental hospital. Huh. BTW- I cried for all of humanity when that ass licker, Nick Lachey, sang hail to the Victors. Just a sad, sad moment.-
10. Please take this opportunity to launch an unprovoked attack at a non-Notre Dame rival.-
I think we can both get behind this: Michigan State. Keep it up, brah. PLEASE continue to plant flags and crow about your rare significant wins, so when it's repaid, we can all laugh at you in all your inept, petulant glory. -